New Found Words - Mothers Day 2013

I have been wanting to write a blog entry about Mother's Day all week, but wasn't sure how I could possibly get the words from my brain to my fingers to express my thoughts on this Mother's Day.  I read this from a post on facebook.  It is truly like someone read every thought and emotion that has crossed my mind in the last few years.............grab a kleenex.  

Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,

I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.

It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.

Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.

Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.

Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?

I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.

I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.

I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.

I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.

Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.

I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.

And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.

And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.

I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.

I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.

And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.

I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.

I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.

I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.

I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.

I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.

I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?

I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.

I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.

But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.

~Kathy Lynn Harris

Where has time gone?.........3 Months Home

So this week will mark the 3 month anniversary of Grayson being home!  I cannot believe it.  I have tried to wrap my mind around it many times this past week.  It's just gone by so fast.  It's been amazing to settle into our "new lives" with him.  Every day has it's hard moments of trying to juggle work, housework, grocery shopping, mommy duties, daddy duties, etc. -- But its a joy.  I am not going to lie, there are some days where we play all day, take walks, and snuggle in our jammies while the house looks like a tornado hit it.  And I am learning to be ok with it :)  Sometimes I feel like video-taping everything he does, calling someone or shouting from my roof (since there are no Taiwan mountains here) that he is the most amazing, awesome, wonderful baby on the planet!!! Even though our lives are "leveling out and getting back to normal", there are still moments in the day where I find myself getting teary-eyed that he is actually ours!  We received his "US Citizenship" paper last week and I cried. Jeez! This mom stuff is crazy emotional!
We continue to embrace every day we have with Grayson and look forward to each and every day with him!
Below are some pics of the past 3 months at home!

February 15, 2013 - Speaking at Church

Below is what we spoke to the congregation of our church right before the worship leader lead the church in God is Able.

This is our story in a very short 5 minutes or so.

Good morning!

Matt - Introductions – My name is Matt. This is my wife Lindsay. And this is our son Grayson, who traveled all the way from Taiwan to be with us today.

Lindsay - God has blessed our family through adoption and we just wanted to share a little bit of it with you. We began our adoption journey about a year and a half ago. God led us through prayer and a connection from Dave and Sherree Empson to an orphanage in Taiwan called The Home of God’s Love. There were a lot of ups and downs through the process but we were finally matched with a baby boy on August 1^st. At the time, we were foster parenting a little baby girl named Kennedy. She had been with us for a month and the judge had finally decided on a placement for her permanently. July 31^st was the last day that she was scheduled to be with us. We got the call from the orphanage at midnight of July 31^st. Little did we know, that was the first of many miracles that were yet to come.

Matt – Lindsay, my mother-in-law, Leslie, and I traveled to Taiwan during the first week of November to meet Grayson and to attend our court date with the Taiwanese judge. Our appointment with the judge went well and everything was on schedule to be completed in 6-8 weeks. We decided that it would be best for Lindsay to stay in Taiwan to build a relationship with Grayson and Leslie and I would return home.

Lindsay – During my stay there, I got to be with Grayson every day and earn my keep by helping take care of the other 23 babies. Our case seemed to be taking a turn for the worse every week. Our paperwork was lost in the mail twice and adoption reports were not being turned in which stalled our case. Even though things seemed grim, we were still trusting in God’s plan and His timing. During the process, I was admitted into the country on a 90 day visa and our time was running out. Two weeks before my visa ran out, there was still no movement on our case and I had been there two and a half months. I was making plans to fly to Hong Kong and back to Taiwan to renew my visa, but in the back of my mind, I knew that God was still able to complete our adoption before my 90 days were up if he chose to.

Matt – While Lindsay was trying to figure out the next move, the judge would not give us any information on our case or when it would pass through. During this time, we understood that this was more than just paperwork being passed around. It was spiritual warfare at its finest. Two sides pitted against each other trying to come out on top. As these two sides clashed, God’s side began to take the upper hand through the power of prayer and the love shown by other believers towards our family. It came in the form of meals, donations, prayers, emails, facebook posts, twitter tweets, prayer circles, fasting, cards, letters, hugs, hope, tears, and so much more.

Lindsay - Through a strange turn of events, we received our first of two decrees on a Thursday and our spirits were lifted. However, our adoption would have to be completed in exactly one week, which has never happened under the new adoption laws in Taiwan. We soon found out that our final decree should have come on that Monday, but it did not. We continued to pray for mountains to move. We were told the latest we could receive that final decree would be Tuesday morning in order to complete the adoption and me be out of the country in time.  Tuesday morning came and went  - there was no word.  About 3:20pm the phone rang.  It was the court clerk calling to say they have our final decree!  Everyone started jumping up and down and running around in order to get it picked up by 4:00pm!  Yes, we had 40 minutes to gather all the paperwork, get ourselves presentable, and drive 20 minutes to the court house.  After getting ready to leave we realized there was no one to drive us there as everyone in the office was out running errands, etc.  When all of the sudden Anna (a lady who works there) walks in the door!  We yelled for her to get the car!  We arrived at the courthouse at 3:55pm – signed for the final decree and walked out by 4:00pm – Another mountain moved.  From the courthouse we went to the household registration office in a neighboring town.  They were closing for the day at 5:00pm and their computers would automatically shut down at that time.  We walked out of the office with the next set of paperwork in our hands at 4:58pm. 

The next few days we were praying hard for God to wrap this all up in 3 days.  There was much to be done and completed.  One really awesome thing was that we needed a meeting at the American Consulate office in order to complete the adoption.  Of course they were having “in-service” training and would be closed on that Thursday and Friday.  We called their office and they agreed they would take time out of their training day to complete our adoption for us!  This had never been done as well.  My VISA would expire in 90 days.  Our adoption was completed on day #89 and we departed from Taiwan on day #90. 

Throughout our adoption we clung to the song, “God is Able”.  That simple phrase got us through some of the hardest moments of our lives this past year and a half.  God blessed us with so many things including our precious Grayson.  Every time we heard this song, it would encourage us to keep the faith and know that God WAS and IS able. 

We would like to thank you all church family for every prayer lifted up for our families the past 3 months.  It has been very humbling to be on the receiving end of your support and love.  If there is one thing we have learned it’s that, even when God is silent, he is still God and he is always able.  

Here's the song God is Able performed by Hillsong. 

February 2 -- "The homecoming"

I know what your thinking......."Wait! This post is out of order" :)  Yes it is.  Honestly, I have been so busy loving on our precious baby and my husband that I have yet to do probably the best entry to date.  It has also given me some time to wrap my mind around that day and reflect on everything big and small that happened.  Below is our day in detail -- when we finally got to come home.

We woke up this morning and got ourselves all packed up.  It was a very short night as Grayson didn't sleep a wink.  I was a nervous wreck about flying with him and how he was going to do, checking in our heavy luggage, keeping track of our passports, keeping track of his adoption packet, watching my purse so it wouldn't get stolen, etc. etc.  There is NO WAY I could have done this by myself as my mom was keeping her cool about everything and helping make sure everything was in order for the flight.
As we checked in our luggage, exchanged our Taiwan money, and went through security - I was a wreck internally.  We boarded our first flight, which was delayed 1.5 hours.  Grayson fell alseep as we were boarding and stayed asleep during take-off and 1/2 of the 3 hour flight.  Once he woke up he was of course flirting with the stewardess by talking and smiling at her!  The little flirt.  She kept talking to him every time she would walk by, etc.  She came up to me and asked if she could hold him.  I glanced quickly at mom and said ......................s.u.r.e.  She stood there holding our baby and asked if she could walk around with him since I looked "exhausted".  I wasn't sure whether to be grateful she was asking or was she saying that I already looked that exhausted???  So she walked with Grayson up and down the aisles as mom and I watched her like a hawk!!!  Grayson was waving and smiling and giggling at everyone of course!  He helped her serve people on the plane for about 15 minutes, which everyone loved.  She brought him safely back to me and we completed flight #1.
We landed in Tokyo and got ready for our 11 hour flight to Chicago.  Everything was going smooth and Grayson thought it was hilarious when the plane would take off and land??!!! Not sure whether we should be glad he did so good or be afraid because he loves to be scared?? :) Anyway, we boarded the plane for our 11 hour flight and got the best seats on the plane!  We were in the "bulk-head" so we had lots of leg room and they even had a bassinet for Grayson that latched into the wall!  We knew that he wouldn't sleep in it, but he did like to play in there for a while, which was a good break for us!  He did awesome the whole ride!  He slept about 5 hours while mom held him.  I however didn't sleep a wink.  I was too excited.  Too nervous.  Too anxious.  Too exhausted.  Too emotional.  Too tired.  Too joyous.  Too drained in every emotion possible.  I had held it together until I saw the flight path come up on the screen in front of us and it said we had 5 hours to Chicago.  I lost it.  I cried.  I don't know what about that number made me break down, but it just hit me like a wall that in 5 hours we would see Matt for the first time in 3 months.  I would hug my best friend.  Grayson would be reunited with his Daddy.  We would be back together - the way a family should be.  I stared at the minutes on the screen while Grayson slept.  I just kept looking at him thinking, "Is this real?  Am I dreaming?"  There were some moments when Grayson would get antsy that we would head back to the flight crews cabin where they would prepare the meals, etc.  We hung out back there a lot and made many friends with the stewardess crew.  Grayson loved walking around the plane and talking to everyone.  I will say that everyone in our "part" of the plane was very nice and the ride went very smooth.  We left the plane as the crew wished us good luck and were so happy to know that Matt would be meeting us in just a few short minutes.
We landed in Chicago and had to go through immigration/customs.  That took forever.  The line was soooo long.  We got such a nice lady who welcomed us back and welcomed Grayson to America.  We then headed to another line to turn in his "adoption packet".  It all went very smooth and they stamped Grayson's passport to say he was an "American citizen" now.  It was all very surreal.  He told us congratulations and we headed to meet Matt!  We came through the doors and I saw this hand raise up in the back of the crowd - waiving like a maniac :)  I knew it was him!  Mom made me stop and wait so she could get her video camera out :)  We made our way through the crowd until we saw him.  There are no words to express the relief, joy, and pure happiness of seeing him after 3 months.  We just hugged and cried for a few minutes not saying a word.  Grayson of course was squished in between us and had no idea what was going on.  I handed Grayson over to his forever Daddy.  Grayson just kept touching his face and staring at him.  We had skyped him many times a week so Grayson knew what he looked like.  Matt would always do a special "whistle" when we would skype that would always get Grayson's attention.  After Grayson continued to stare at Matt for a few minutes, Matt broke out the famous whistle and Grayson's face lit up with a huge SMILE!  If there was ever a moment to cry over during this process, it was that one right there.  He knew his Daddy.  He smiles and talked to Matt the rest of the trip.  We didn't have much time at this point til our next flight left and we were not missing that flight :)  We ran to the bathroom and changed into our infamous "brown shirts."  We boarded the plane bound for Indy (which was freezing!).  But we were so ready to be home we didn't care.  The wheels touched down and the weight of the world lifted.  We were home.  We unloaded, woke Grayson up, and changed his clothes into his "brown onesie" that said, "Defining Hope".  On the back it said, "Made in Taiwan".  We headed down the empty hallway where we could hear cheers saying, "Gray-son! Gray-son!".  I wanted so bad to just RUN down that hall!  We came around the corner to see over a hundred people with signs, flower, balloons, etc.  I was stunned.  So was Grayson :) He started crying because I think it scared him with all the people, but about 30 seconds later he started smiling and talking to everyone :)  I just ran around hugging everyone.  I couldn't believe the support and love we felt at that moment.  Just stunned.  I also couldn't believe how much all the kids had grown!  They all looked a foot talker!  The signs were amazing.  The crowd was amazing.  It couldn't have been a more awesome homecoming.  We took a group picture and had a prayer by Pastor Steve Ranson.  I can't even begin to list all of the awesome people that showed up.  The only words I could get out was, "Thank You".  Those words don't seem to hold the depth of meaning that we want to express.  Seems like we should be shouting it from a mountain.  But by the end of our journey, God had moved all of those mountains, so there weren't any to shout from :)  To sum up the amount of miracles in our adoption story - the only thing left to say is that my VISA was good for 90 days in the country.  Our adoption was completed on day #89.  We left Taiwan on day #90.  Thank You Lord.

Our FIRST family photo

February 7, 2013 -- Profoundly blessed.

Well, Grayson has now been in America for 5 days now!  Where has the time gone :)  I haven't been writing on here everyday due to the crazy schedules we have been keeping and the fact that I need sleep (hehe).  It has been quite tricky to try and completely flip-flop our schedules.  Every day Grayson is getting better and better.  We have loved company and the very generous friends and family that have brought us meals each night.  It seems that every day the blessings continue to flow for our family.  Most days I find myself in tears at the goodness of people and the fact that it's just now hitting me that we really are home.  I keep dreaming at night that it's not real - but when I go to Grayson's crib and he is in there sleeping peacefully, my mind is at ease.  It has been wonderful to have family and friends meet our miracle and for them to get to see his personality.  He is adjusting better each day and is beginning to latch on to Matt (Daddy).  This morning Grayson was playing on the floor and Matt walked by the doorway.  Grayson saw him and started crying because he wanted Matt to come pick him up and play with him!!! That was a huge breakthrough for Grayson as he is learning who he earthly Daddy is.  I continue to get teary eyed every time I think about our future and the things we will get to do with our little guy.  Like for instance - Valentines Day.  It just now hit me that it's next week!! I not only have 1 valentine this year, but TWO!  We are so profoundly blessed and I cannot wait to wake up each day.  Below are some pics of our past few days. :)

Grayson getting his first basketball! 

Grayson loves his Mommaw :)

Playing with Daddy and Poppaw

He rolled over!  And stayed asleep..........that never happens!

double trouble.

I wasn't sure what to do with Grayson while I was putting on my shoes and coat.  

Empty laundry basket = a happy baby!

Going out for the first time!  Dr. appointment :)

2nd bath time -- much happier and loves his toys!

Playing with Nana!! He loves her so much!

Not sure what face he is making, but just looking at it makes me smile.  I am sure it does you too!

All clean :)

Mommy and Grayson